Tie Jokes

A guy goes into a restaurant and lounge, his shirt open at the collar, but is stopped by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to get in.

So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a tie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.

He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, okay, I guess you can come in -- just don't start anything."


A man is crawling through the Sahara desert when he is approached by another man riding on a camel. As the rider approaches, the crawling man whispers through his parched lips, "Water ... please ... can you give ... water ..."

"I'm sorry," replies the man on the camel, "I don't have any water with me. But I'd be delighted to sell you a necktie."

"Necktie?" whispers the man. "I need water!"

"They're only four dollars apiece."

"I need water."

"Okay, okay, two for seven dollars."

"Please! I need water!" the man exclaims.

"I don't have any water, all I have are ties," replies the salesman, as he heads off into the distance.

By now the man has lost all track of time, crawling through the desert seemingly for days. Finally, nearly dead, with clothes tattered and skin peeling under the relentless sun, he comes upon a restaurant. Summoning his last bit of strength, he staggers to the door and confronts the head waiter.

"Water ... can I get ... water," the dying man pleads.

"I'm sorry, sir. Our dress code requires a tie" replies the waiter.


Q. What did the necktie say to the hat?

A. You go on ahead, I'll just hang around.


Man gets a new tie for his birthday, but after a few days takes it back to the shop. The assistant asks him what's wrong with it and the man replies. "The one end is longer than the other".


A brummie goes for a job interview wearing a polyester shirt, bright flares and big boots.
The interviewer says: "All you need now is a kipper tie."
The brummie replies: "That would be luvloy, two sugars please."


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